Wake up. (press 9 key)
Getting rid of my anxieties and realizing I'm not alone
It's been a while since I've been here, but in the time I've been gone, I've managed to change a lot of things for the better for myself, the catalyst for this being a meeting with someone out of sheer dumb luck, someone trans, but this time, in real life.
They've accepted me for what I was, treated me kindly, and now I'd say we're pretty good friends, lots of things they've made me realize and just that the outside world isn't as bad as the environments I've been forced to fit in to. Through them I met other queer people in this country, though my anxiety is still pretty bad, so I'm taking things at my own pace.
Currently writing this to distract myself from an issue I was gonna talk about with them, since I lack much agency in solving it, but unfortunately they took a social media break pretty suddenly and I do not have any other way of contacting them. I really do hope they're alright...
I've really got to change a lot of things here!!
I have decided to make my site even more personal... to actually make it more interesting!
By that I mean adding an actual blog page (you're here!) documenting whatever things I find neat and also making my interests page more organized lol. that also including definitely dating entries since I do think it'd be interesting to see how much I evolve "speech-wise". I might just archive it under a separate page and then entirely remake it for I sorta still like how it looks really haha.
Another thing I've gotta do is definitely uh, make a separate page for each entry on both here and also the interests page, if i decide to talk about them in depth it would make these pages veeeery fucking big. Though, honestly not sure if I should go with that or just keep it as is.
Also going to use this as a sortof note for how I'm ging to lay it out, this is going to be a general blogging section about anythig while "interests" is gonna be replaced with reviews which would be similar in design but just be split up into video games, music, and tv shows. It's a shame I'll probably have to retire the small navigation window I made in only CSS but... it is what it is now...
Edit like five minutes later after I wrote this, maybe I can still implement that nav window if I also add scrolling to it...
Edit like half an hour later, I managed to port it!! And it works with the tabbing script!!
- April 11th, improved the main page... a lot, by making it way more readable and streamlining some things, also applied to join a webring!
- February 20th, making the main page more me and less cluttered, added an imood and also a last.fm widget.
- February 18th, main page rehaul, site rename and just bettering everything overall :D.
- September 20th, made a mosenite page in the 2kki category, NOT MUCH..., also changed my views on Firefox.
- September 19th, wrote a long dream I had, I might make it a separate webpage eventually...
- September 12th, added a lot of stuff! A script for a dynamic cursor in the Yume 2kki pages, a more accurate way to get to one of the pages mentioned prior (if you find it you're pretty awesome!), another Yume 2kki page to replace the first one (very work in progress still), and remade the 404 page to be more stylish and look like a terminal... I hate that I get such inspiration right when I have the least amount of free time.
- September 5th, began working on 2kki worlds pages, sort of shrines? sort of not? You decide! They're in the fun page!
- July 20th, oops I kinda forgot to make updates and this one isn't that big either! Just new music and new sona art on this page, and a proper description for Higurashi in interests is all that's been added. To be honest... I'm not quite sure what more to add, but if I do get an idea I'll be SURE to add it here.
- June 6th, adding a disclaimer on the intro page about other browsers being LITERALLY GARBAGE /hj compared to Firefox.
- June 5th, making the DIARY PAGE!! As of now I still have the Marisas from the links page (which also isn't close to finished at all), but I'll find something to put there soon i'm sure! I've also completely overhauled the links page some time ago too.
- May 28th, I've been forgetting to document these properly... but as of now, I've completely rewritten the interests page, made the foldure structure less dumb, redesigned the linnks page (which STILL is empty), and I will probably soon move this update section to a Diary page. (Would you look at the page you're reading this on, heh.)
- May 9th, BUTTONS GALORE!
- May 2nd, I've added a completely new intro page to the site! :O Can you tell I love Yume Nikki??
- April 29th, I've added a fun page which is still a work in progress, and also generalized even more stuff with classes, ids, and the wonders of STYLE.CSS!!
- April 25th, I've created a button for my site! Pretty simple but does its job well enough!
- April 23rd probably, I actually learned to use style.css instead of rewriting everything on every page, I've also added a proper music player! AAAAND a navigation window in the interests page that looks pretty dang neat if I'd say so myself.
- April 19th, I've rehauled the link bar to now be an iframe! Less work if I ever wanna change it... and I also begun rewriting my interests page along with cleaning it up.
- As of April 16th, I've rehauled the index and social media page both internally and externally!! Man, my code was AWFUL back then... (MAYBE still is, but atleast now I've made proper use of classes. ;P)
Possible content warning for dark themes or some of the stuff here being just completely bizzare, read at your own risk.
Another little note I would add is that some of the blanks in my dreams I'll probably replace with something that seemed interesting and/or makes it more cohesive.
You could possibly consider this page an amateurish attempt at writing.
In any case, I hope you enjoy!
I was playing a weird 3D horror game with a 2-bit black and dark pink aesthetic and sprites (possibly prerendered?) for the characters while one of my friends was just narrating it in a rather silly way.
It took place in the corner of a street and we were loading things into the store there from our cars. There was another player character like me in the game accompanied by a partner, both did not seem to interact with me in any way, though only the other "player" character was actually doing anything, perhaps an invisible tutorial? There was another car that would come periodically though, "oh fuck", my friend would say whenever it came, it would bring out a girl who would try to chase me and kill me, and would leave some time soon after I avoided her for long enough.
At one point though, I got fed up by that endless chase and I decided to attack her with a plank, bashing her brains rather viscerally. At this point the seemingly main antagonistic force in the game reveals itself, that being a dark four-way star with particularly realistic eyes, my friend narrates "The mysterious entity is about to do something scary" as it begins to possess the other player's partner, them seemingly unknowning of it happening.
The dream ends.
I was playing an RPGMaker game that took place in an abandoned apartment building, it started off in a hallway with with an odd design, like a right facing fork with two long spears. It featured some doors numbered one through eight, and unnumbered doors on the top left and bottom. It also featured a silent ambience and some quiet stepping sound effects.
I went through the first unnumbered door, which lead to me solving a puzzle I do not recall, after I did this I headed to the bottom room behind the bottom door. I wound up at the right of another hallway where my path was blocked by a small sprite of a skeleton with a large eyeball for a head asking me to do another puzzle, this room had torn paintings on the walls. After I fulfilled its request, it disappeared and a drawer on the left of the room moved, revealing a hidden door, but I decided to ignore it.
I resetted the game and went straight to the hallway at the bottom. The skeleton was nowhere to be found, the door was still blocked by the drawer, the door I entered seemed to stop working too as the game muted all of its sound. I was stuck completely alone in that room with torn paintings after abandoning the one friend I found.
At this point, a pop-up featuring a cartoonish television displaying a monochrome image of a crying woman with long black hair covering her face, this is where it all ended.
When I first woke up and started writing it down for the first time, I realized the woman's face wasn't covered at all, she wasn't crying, her face was in full view, she was smugly grinning ear to ear.
I was checking Discord, when I suddenly realize my account is sending messages that I am not typing! I quickly realize that I'm probably being hacked and I try changing my passwords on both there, and also Neocities, but to my dismay, I realize my page has been completely changed to a black webpage with some dark boxes that had red outlines leading to several other pages, I do not remember any of them besides one at the top linking to a Madness Combat shrine page of sorts.
Due to this, I decide to research their username (that was on my hacked(?) page) and find they had quite the reputation, I even stumbled upon a timeline of events of their life on a similarly dark page with red text on it.
I found out that some time ago, they ran a blog, I managed to access it with the help of a link to the wayback machine featured on that site. The blog looked like an average webpage with the background of a cartoony sewer and a sidebar on the left, which had a vertical gradient from top to bottom, fading from red to black, it also had a picture of Koffing that was always at bottom right of the page, maybe their favorite pokemon?
In any case, their blog documented their quest to acquiring magic, which referred to... hurting people, and most likely killing them. My mind immediately imagined them wearing a cosplay of Cirno during their rampages, hence the name of this dream. In any case, it was all... listed there, I do also recall them mentioning some kind of person or group who said they would help them get the "Mana" required for their magic by doing these murderous acts for them. It was really, really pitiful reading those things and realizing how easily they were being used, but it was also appalling to find that they've not been caught at all, or even mentioned anywhere, which would make anyone wonder, was their blog even real, or an elaborate ruse?
But the blog also mentions that one day that infact, they did get caught, even mentioning their real name on the post, which upon me researching, I foundout that they did actually exist and go to prison, but the actual motive was not mentioned. Their sentence was shorter than what I'd expected from what they wrote, so perhaps it was something completely unrelated to their quest for magic.
The page documenting their life also points out that this blog was one day completely renovated out of the blue, it was speculated that happened because a viewer of the site noticed an error regarding a preview image on one of the buttons and pointed it out to its creator, which led to them soon remaking their entire online presence, including changing their username.
The final paragraph on the timeline documented their renovated site featuring a link to it, which upon being clicked, lead to my webpage.
I was at an old computer, trying to find information on the Internet about a character that was either named Maria Moriya, Marie Mariya or even Maria Mariya for all I know. I will refer to her as M.M. for making the writing and also the reading a bit easier. (To add another bit of clarification, yes this name was definitely taken from the main character of Higanbana no Saku Yoru Ni, but a few letters were off.)
From my search, I found two noteworthy things. One was a YouTube video about a Yume Nikki fangame titled after her and presumably starring her, it had a thumbnail showcasing the character (which was too small to see ) in a world similar in appearance to the Crystal Caves from Yume 2kki, with large pink crystals for walls and a dark purple semi-transparent floor which also showcased the dark backdrop of the world.
The other thing was a news article from a seemingly very, very old website, it was all in 4:3 and probably ran in Flash (which could explain why it remained like that for so long?), it also all featured a very wintery aesthetic for some reason with a particular gif of an angry ASCII snowman being plastered all over the place (perhaps the article was released around Christmas?), every navigation button had a transition from left to right of snow covering the screen and then changing to the next page.
Doing some more digging on the winterland vista I just discovered, I found the face of the boyfriend from friday night funkin' in what was presumably a flash game on the site since it seemed to be positioned like a life icon, I ONLY remember this bit because I distinctly remember being like, oh shoot! the dev ripped this off! but sadly it was just in my dream. Regardless, this was a fairly odd and irrelevant interlude within the same dream.
I click on a logo on the corner of the page and am redirected to a contemporary version of the site with articles relating to the present (they were displayed like a forum?). I did not think too much of it, so I headed back to my winter wonderland.
There, I find an article about a creepypasta about what seemed to be a NEET travelling through computers, to put it short he he hated the world and everyone in it so he acquired that supernatural ability somehow and went on to took his revenge. I could see a vision of him typing angrily at his computer writing rant after rant in a dark bedroom with various old cartoon characters on the bed near him. The angle he was viewed from constantly switched and the characters in the back did with it too, was he jealous on cartoons too? He also had the voice of Billy from The Grim Adventues of Billy and Mandy. Hoooow odddddd.
With this, I forgot to mention the actual article I found, it was about a woman that shared M.M.'s name being murdered with no known culprit or cause.
For the sake of a conclusion, I will assume the NEET person was the one who murdered the woman, released a manifesto of sorts, hence the typing sequence I witnessed, and mysteriously disappeared with no traces left. Avid occult writers then wrote an interpretation of the manifesto (no idea how they could've gotten it though, assuming it was not released) which ended up reading like a creepypasta, which turned into an obscure urban legend.
I was in an unknown classroom with some of my old classmates.
Our teacher asked us if we had read poems by M. Zakky (this is an Umineko composer, he has not made poems), so shortly after that I keep trying to argue that M. Zakky has NOT written poems, but it ends up futile and we have to read around thirty poems from page 264 in around thirty minutes.
I keep messing the page up trying to search in whatever book and only manage to read three of the poems. My teacher asks me about them and when I was talking to her, I just went through a nether portal randomly.
After class was over, I met a girl holding a dog, she said something, but I could not remember it at all, after which I head on my way home. I try to open google maps to lead me there, but it's in Spanish... at this point I just said "fuck it" and woke up in my bed.
I was at a meeting at a hotel with around four of my online friends.
The meeting was to start at an unknown hour which I will refer to as "XX:20" throughout these paragraphs. The the current hour was around XX-1:50, so I decide to take a walk outside so that time can pass, I got lost very easily and it felt like several hours had passed, but when I returned it was only XX o'clock, meaning somehow only ten minutes passed. Due to this occurence, I propose to my friends the idea to move to this other hotel (or a guesthouse?) nearby and wait there until the meeting had started.
We get a room, with very high quality service! The only downside we noticed was that the internet was at its worst subscription. (Internet was a subscription service in this dream with three purchase tiers for whatever reason.) We decide to mess around and watch old YouTube videos we made on the hotel supplied laptop which was already in the room, while also cherishing the fact we finally met in real life.
The time passed disturbingly fast. It was already XX:20 so two of my friends left, while the one left decided to wait for me to log off our YouTube account and another site for a game I signed in there. I started with logging off the game site first... but the "Log Out" button did not exist anywhere on its page. I decide to swiftly search up "'whatever game it was' log out", but searching that only gave results for a page on the game's wiki for items named "Log Outs". We decided the game account wasn't a big deal so we moved on the YouTube account.
Except its button was missing too. I frantically search, "log off youtube", or rather, I try to. It was as if the universe was preventing me from not mistyping "YouTube", it felt as if, the keyboard was being spun under my very fingertips. And at this point, something strange occurs.
The computer switches from the Google tab, I was using to a YouTube video(?) of a slideshow of dark, grainy, real life pictures of tall, rectangular, antique pillars with a green tint on them. They looked something like this:
I mentioned it was a sort of slideshow, because with each photo, came another one, one in the same camera angle, but with the pillar moved to a vastly different place. To describe it in a better way, it felt like a picture of an alternate universe where the pillar was in a different place. As the first image switched, a slow, creepy piano was being played in the background. It felt like an unnerving conspiracy theory video.
Before I woke up, there were a near three seconds of pitch blackness.
The thing I found most odd about this dream was the pillar slideshow for sure. Before I slept, I was imagining a particular geometrical structure probably best described as a typical three dimensional house from a child's drawing but with its roofs merged together.
I seemingly applied for an unknown job related to computers one day and presented myself... at work.
I was there with another person, my coworker, and we were both in a "newbie" sort of rank, so we only had a task, that being to fill out a survey in a room with two separate computers on brown wooden desks that opposed eachother. The WHOLE time we were just messing around in the room, I particularly remember watching me and him drawing really cool trees from a top - down perspective, that perspective was also warped so it looked EXTRA neat. After we were done fumbling around, we decided to finally fill up the survey, but it was gone! Not even in the history... (I can only assume we closed it off in our dumb distraction.)
Kinda worries me a bit about my future job, hahahahaha...
Depite literally writing this the day after I HAD this dream, It still feels rather fuzzy, I was having some trouble sleeping so it seemed all even more real...
I was at my computer and I believe I was playing a Yume Nikki game, when suddenly strings of white text in Spanish appeared on screen, so like I thought, "That's pretty silly, heh." and I was gonna send this to my spanish friend, ummi, but right as I was trying to take a screenshot of the screen, my body slowly became more tired, very similar to the feeling one gets when they would sit somewhere for a lot of time then stand up, as I leaned more and more to the left of my chair, about to fall off, after which I woke up...
I think I had this dream because I played a lot of Higurashi (hence the weird scrolling text, it was very similar to text you'd see in a VN), and also Yume 2kki, I listened to its music for like half an hour that day...
I don't remember a whole lot of this one... but I was at my own house, and one of the rooms was completely filled to the brim with computers with around 3-4 monitors of different shapes and sizes, tall, wide, you name it!
Two of the computers were playing the same Touhou song, and I think I decided to turn them all off. Somewhen after that, I acquired a mod for... Touhou 15, on... something and played it on my main computer. The game was in widescreen surprisingly, but still keeping the original playing field dimensions(?) and logo in the corner and all that with the score and stuff, I don't remmeber who you played as at all. I also remember it was completely nothing like Touhou 15, it used backgrounds similar to Hollow Knight's title screen. It was almost like a fan sequel to Touhou 14 before Touhou 15 would've released, it didn't even have a subtitle.
In any case, I finish it and the game displays a message in the EoSD font, "You have unlocked Alt. Shot". The game continues in an area without any restraints of the playing field (fully widescreen Touhou basically). This was now the background to the game:
The supposed Alt. Shot was a very laggy shot type that just shot yellow bullets that homed whenever, the enemies also now shot the same alternative bullets as I did, this was when things got very weird. The enemy bullets came flying of the screen in the form of small wisps and towards the ceiling, this rightfully creeped me out and I decided to look at Discord to make sure I'm not dreaming (which I very much was).
Doing that made me realize that the game was constantly changing its process name(?), I don't remember to what exactly but it was other different other anime games which I can't recall the name of. I try to close it by right clicking its icon on the taskbar and selecting "Close Window" to no avail, because that option was replaced with... a random quote? I also try to open the task manager from the task bar, with the option for that simply being inexistant.
I take a peek at the game once more and it boldly proclaims to me in slightly faded out text in a cursive font in the top right corner of the screen:
To which I promptly woke up...
I was playing a Yume Nikki fangame until I got to a sort of temple area that had a palette of rose colors, it reminded me a lot of the Forgotten Town from 2kki, I think my brain might've even based it on that as I made the wiki page the same day when I took this nap. In the temple there were three copies of Madotsuki, but desaturated? They each had a 1/3 chance (no idea how I know this) of displaying a full screen event to the player.
Its first phase showing a drawing in the style of Ib of a man wearng a green shirt and blue pants, laying on the side vertically to the screen in an oval position.
The event itself was a fullscreen monochrome image depicting a close up of a car crash victim's(?) mangled head, with crudely drawn cracks coming out of their face, almost as if the image itself was a shattered piece of glass.